Celebrating Mother's Day with Circle of Security Parenting Classes
“Have any of you ever had to snake any items out of the toilet that your kids have flushed down?”. The opening conversation for Sprout’s Homer- based parenting class for parents of young children and new babies, Circle of Security, was rife with personal stories and laughter. One mom put her hand over her face sheepishly as she recounted the events that led up to that fateful incident… spoiler alert: they involved a toddler, the toilet, and a TV remote. Personal stories like this, with both celebration and commiseration about the shared experience of parenting little ones, were interwoven throughout the next hour and a half of Circle of Security.
Throughout the class, trainer Red Asselin taught new techniques caregivers can utilize after a rupture in the parent-child relationship. When these incidents occur, Red stressed to parents the importance of giving ourselves “time out” (space and time away from the situation where we can work through our own emotions), so that we can come back to our child and spend “time in” (quality time working through what happened with our child).
Sprout’s recent round of parenting classes was funded through Alaska Children’s Trust Tier 1 grant program, which funds community projects and initiatives that focus on 1) early childhood development 2) empowering youth and/or 3) building community resilience. Circle of Security focuses on early childhood development, and, as trainer Red describes it, “is a road map of how we understand and meet our child’s needs and look at what is stopping them from being able to access those needs.” Oftentimes, especially in times of anger, stress, or fear, parents leave the Circle of Security we’ve built with and for our child.
Tom, new dad to an infant and a 2-year-old, identified a time when he leaves the Circle: “it’s when they scream and it’s really hard to stop them from being upset. That’s when I feel like I can’t help them and that’s when I rupture from the circle.” Instructor Red incorporated videos, her own parenting stories, and her experience as a pre-K teacher and play group leader to help parents in the group realize that children learn to manage their feelings best when we help them, but only when we are in right state of mind to do so. The Circle of Security calls this rupture and repair. One mom in the group said, “I love the idea of rupture and repair because it gives us the ability to reconnect after we screw up- because it’s not just the kids, it’s us, too. I have to be self-aware of where my emotions are at and where my partners’ emotions are at so I can step in when I need to so we can find the deeper meaning- because there’s always a deeper meaning to a kids’ behavior.”
Any onlooker would be surprised to hear the group members didn’t know each other prior to the session; they were so bonded and open to sharing. Parents attend class for a variety of reasons; while some of the parents who take Sprout’s two classes funded by Alaska Children’s Trust are mandated to, others keep volunteering to come back for more. In fact, Sprout offers 4 sessions of Circle of Security and Conscious Discipline every quarter, and Red has seen parents come back and take each class up to three times! Each class offers new things to learn and a new group of parenting peers to connect with. There is also an online self-led option available to every Alaskan parent. If there’s one main idea of Sprout’s classes, Red says, is that there’s always a pathway back to your child. You can always have a relationship with your child, but it may not always be in the way you had hoped or planned.
The last class concluded with Red unveiling a parenting story of her own, a time where her Circle of Security was ruptured when her 3-year-old son had the unimaginable happen- a piece of lettuce fell out of his Subway sandwich! This instigated a huge toddler-level meltdown involving squeezing the sandwich to pieces, and just as her son reached for the chocolate milk, about to squeeze the bottle to oblivion, Red reacted. Instead of calmly talking about his emotions and why he might be feeling the way he was and working through it together, the situation escalated to her splashing her son with chocolate milk! With her son looking at her as chocolate milk “dripped off his eyelashes”, Red realized immediately that her circle had ruptured, she needed to take a step back and take the opportunity to model behavior for him and repair their relationship. Instead of getting defensive about his behavior or her own, Red took a deep breath, owned up and apologized to her son, and asked him if they could start over, talk about it together, and have some time in. “I used it as a teaching moment- it kind of teaches your kid that if they have emotional ruptures they can come back from that, too.” Whether it’s fishing a remote out of the toilet or quelling a chocolate milk-covered toddler, parenting is a tough job and parenting classes like Circle of Security can help Alaskan parents be the best they can be for their kids and for themselves.
Many of the mothers at these classes and others like it are mandated to take a parenting class and need that help to rebuild a secure attachment with their child. The good news is that you can help Alaskan moms today. For every $50 gift you make before June 10, you can provide one parenting class to one Alaskan mom. Will you send in a gift in honor of Mother's Day?